the weight of you

 

Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels

 

This poem moved me. It’s been many years, but, oh, how I remember “the weight” of my children. Their little heads heavy on my shoulder, their warm breath on my neck, their sagging bodies in my arms. I love how the poet brings to mind the swaying back and forth that we seem to instinctively move into when we are holding infants. I remember that thought of “maybe if I sing it one more time” as I sang the lullaby again and again, waiting for those eyelids to close.

The Latin words interspersed throughout are the words to “Salve Regina.” In English, it’s known as “Hail Holy Queen.” I had to look it up. Links below to a choral rendition and, surprisingly, a version in the movie ‘Sister Act.”

the weight of you
by Sara Dietz

sometimes i wish

i could hold you forever

in that moment

between day

and night

when your head

heavy with sleep

rests on my shoulder

and i sing you a quiet lullaby

(your sister sings too

even when she doesn't know the words)

salve, regina

mater misericordiae

the weight of you in my arms feels different then:

still

and

quiet

and

safe

and

warm

vita, dulcedo, et spes nostra, salve.

gone are the hours when the weight of you feels too much:

(when did you get so big?)

my tired arms begging for relief

as you beg for anything but the floor

(can't i just have a few minutes?)

your struggles to wiggle away,

down to the ground,

to find the nearest doll

or set of stairs,

to chase that bug

or eat that tasty piece

of sidewalk chalk

ad te clamamus, exsules, filii hevae

ad te suspiramus,

gementes et flentes,

in hac lacrimarum valle

gone is the protest of hunger

your belly full of warm, sweet milk

that lulls us both to sleep

gone is the never-ending need

to move

to play

and yes, to hit

and throw

and yank

eia ergo, advocata nostra,

illos tuos misericordes oculos

ad nos converte

i sing the ancient words as slowly as i can

shifting my weight

back

and forth

and back

and forth

and back

and forth

maybe if i sing it one more time?

i draw out the moment as long as i can

knowing all too well how soon the time will come

for me to relinquish my grasp on you

and lay you down

and let you take your fill of the sleep that prepares us both for tomorrow

knowing all too well how soon the time will come

for me to relinquish my grasp on you

and send you off to play with friends

to learn

to grow

to fly

ah, how quickly do the years go by...

can i make this moment last forever?

yet what would i lose if i did?

if we stayed in the dark

and the still

and the quiet,

i would never again see your sweet dimpled cheeks as your smile lights up the world

let your laughter turn my day

around

never again feel

your

tiny

feet

kneading

my

sourdough

stomach

as we lay in bed in the morning

never again watch you

t o d d l e

a c r o s s

t h e g r a s s

your knees locked

your feet spread wide

almost-but-not-quite falling

lifting up your hands

squealing with delight

et Iesum

benedictum fructum ventris tui

nobis

(post hoc exsilium)

ostende

and so, every night

although

i wish i could stay forever

with the weight of you pressing on my chest

your little heart beating

and your warm breath on my neck

i end my song

o clemens

i say goodnight

o pia

i lay you

(and this

i suppose

is motherhood:

the great detaching

to birth

to wean

to raise

to send)

down

o dulcis

forever feeling the weight of you

even as i

let

you

go

virgo maria


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